Beware: This is going to be one of the dirtiest posts that I’ve written till date on one of the dirtiest topics possible.

“Flatulence” is just a nice way of saying “Fart” when in the company of classy people talking about art and weather with lips kissing glasses containing vintage wine. The word might be made socially acceptable by the usage of a synonym that sounds less tainted than the original. But that doesn’t change the reputation of its actual meaning, does it?

It has surely crossed the minds of great philosophers like Lord Buddha, or Socrates. It must have forced many sages living in the Himalayas to indulge in deep meditation, in pursuit of that divine connection between God’s will and the will of flatulence. Even if they found an answer to it, maybe they never spoke to their disciples about it – in fear that they would leave him in search of a more well-mannered teacher. I wonder why such a socially-significant topic has never been written about in any religious book.

Since the early stages of innocent childhood, we all have had our experiences with flatulence. I remember that as a child, I was perfectly conscious about keeping the people around me unaware about the possible contents of my stomach. But some children never bothered, or were never educated about the few important social norms. They just kept releasing their payloads of toxic ‘gas-bombs’ (as we used to call it) wherever and whenever they wanted to (along with the sound-effects). As little children, we always laughed at those terrorists, and made them feel miserable. Soon, a time came, when everyone self-learned that farting in public, is just asking people to laugh at you. So everyone started developing skills of ‘stealth-flatulence’. You know that a person is going to release a stealth bomb when he is scanning all the people around him with his radar, trying to perceive whether they are too busy with something else to notice it. And after a few tense seconds – Bang. A few unlucky ones around that person will look like social workers in a city ravaged due to chemical warfare.

By the time we reached teenage life, everyone had mastered the skill of ‘Advanced stealth flatulence and control". But not completely, mind you.

And so, instances of flatulence decreased to a great extent. Yet, the attainment of control was far away. There arose situations, when during class, someone’s nose tasted a foul stench in the air. Immediately, he/she would groan in disgust and clamp his poor deceased nose with both the hands, while looking all around him/her suspiciously. Other people who hadn’t had their noses paralyzed yet, would stupidly twitch their noses around in the air trying to discover if the stench really existed. The original culprit would also moan in disgust with his hands clasping his nose, with such innocence that can fool the pope into granting him benediction. And in the end, the charges of culpable homicide not amounting to murder, would have to be left to the sole jurisdiction of guesswork.

Here are some guidelines for all those fast-food junkies for whom flatulence, is an everyday concern.

Speak No Fart
When in the close company of sane public, let ‘flatulence’ not be the topic you choose for discussion. It would inadvertently mean that you’ve had lot of experience with the science of farting. Neither do women find it cute to discuss about such a topic, nor will they ever invite you over for dinner.

Hear No Fart
I once had a friend, rather a classmate, who had the sound of the most merciless godforsaken fart in history as his SMS tone. He wanted everyone to check out the ‘cool’ tone. There were 13 attempts of murder on him. He could have surpassed Hitler’s record but he left school.

See No Fart
When a friend comes over to your house, showing him videos of people and animals farting, and expecting him to laugh his intestines out, is not cool. It is as dangerous as your mom catching you watch porn.

Smell No Fart
This one is for all those who have trained their noses to become super-sensitive whenever their brains intercept the slightest rumor of a recent fart nearby. If the person beside you is squirming in repugnance of the awful perfume his nose has just received, then I suggest, that instead of initiating a detective quest in search of the same smell, you should apprehend the potential danger that your nose faces in the near future, and take protective measures for the same.

Do No Fart
I know that this might be objectionable to some of you, but I think farting in public should be officially banned. It is disgusting, and cheap. If you are in real trouble, make your way to the washroom, and wait till its empty, after which you can let it go for as long as you want and relish the inner satisfaction that you receive. But if you can’t control yourself at all, you are a disgrace to humanity as well as a disgrace to the apple that Adam ate.

P.S.1: I so have the feeling that you are going to ostracize me from your reading list right now.