An actor says sweetly, “Bade Bade Deshon me aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain” and a million girls melt in front of their television screens.

Its true. Bollywood constitutes a substantial part of the entertainment needs of any Indian, rich or poor. Everyone loves to take the weekend off to catch the latest thriller or romantic comedy in their local theatres. Age-old movies like “Sholay” become the reason for an entire evening spent in front of the television set. Even not-so-old-yet movies like “Dilwaale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge” commonly known as DDLJ, grab a large chunk of television rating points every odd Sunday. From the little toddlers to the false-teeth grandmothers – everyone likes to join in.

So despite piracy being a rampant profitable business in every street/locality, the actors and producers still manage to make a fortune out of every hit movie that makes it to the box office.

What the hell is the box office? I mean, everyone speaks about it. But what is it actually? Is it an office shaped like a box which counts the profits made by a movie? Is it an office shaped like a box which stores DVD copies of good movies?

My super-intelligent best friend Google says that the term “Box Office” is used to refer to the commercial success of a movie, play, or actor in terms of the audience size or takings they command.

But the thing is, people never become tired of all that bolly-entertainment. No matter how stupid the script is, or how horrible the actor dances, or how lame the dialogues were, or how disappointing the ending was, or how… whatever!

Here are the 10 exceptional aspects that make a stereotypical Bollywood movie:

There is no way that a movie can start without it and hope to break the box office records. A 5 second image or a 7 second animation of their favorite God (usually Ganesha for the wealth to flow in) adorned with jewels and ‘Prasad’ is absolutely obligatory.

Love is the everlasting secret ingredient to make any successful movie. The Hero and the Heroine will always have to fall in love during the course of the story. Love will seemingly bind them together so tightly that the heroine will not hesitate to defy her imperialist parents and the hero will be ever ready to challenge the deadliest of enemies. Oooo!

It so often happens that the Hero isn’t the only one to have been trapped in the Heroine’s love ditch. There will always be an insignificant side-character who doesn’t have the guts to express his feelings and goes over to the evil side for assistance. It may also be an ex-boyfriend who is invariably dumb and has more density in his arms than inside his skull. Poor guy! Who doesn’t like a hot actress?

This becomes as predictable as ever. Just when a happy love life seems to be hanging from a low branch like an apple in front of the face of the protagonist, ready to be grabbed and relished, the anti-hero makes a dramatic interruption. He spoils the apparent happy ending and executes an adroit plan which separates the love-bugs. Hard luck dude!

This is again an attempt to draw the sympathy of the viewers. No one likes to see fresh young love being broken up. The viewers start to curse the villain.

Unfortunately, the heroine hadn’t noticed it before. The villain discovers an arcane weakness of the challenging hero and manages to use it against him. It may be a little brother, an elder sister who has kids, or a childhood friend. In its absence, things would have been so much more easier.

In a (predictable) twist of events, which allows the viewer to wake up and start eating the popcorn they bought during the intermission, luck shines upon the good side. The Hero comes up with an ingenious plan and regains control of the situation. One can see a light at the end of the tunnel. At Last!

Due to the lack of Heroes, the minor sidekick of the actor decides to take up the cause. He is stupid enough to almost sacrifice his life for the sake of the Hero who never paid too much attention too him. What an idiot! He must have done it to impress the hot actress! Unless he is gay, that is.

An unexpected twist in the story - and often a failed attempt to draw sympathy from the viewers (Since they only care how hot the hero/heroine is). But surprisingly enough, the common last words spoken by the dying parent often decide the future bride/groom of their tearful progeny. Close save!

I can’t remember the last bollywood movie I have seen without a dance flick. And that is because they haven’t made any such movie yet. In general, there will always be 5-8 songs or more with atleast 2 of them being raunchy dance numbers. Indian choreographers will never ever forget this one step. Pelvic Thrusting will always have a quota reserved when the hero tries to express his love and excitement for the actress with bounce and physical exuberance. The Belly Shake is another dance step which is reserved especially for their female counterparts. This step has inevitably lost all the grace and appeal it had during its former periods of glory. Nevertheless it is still used extensively by bollywood choreographers (Maybe just to fill in for their lack of creativity).

At the end of it all, I should mention (for all those die-hard bolly-fans out there who are looking forward to file a lawsuit against me) that bollywood is learning fast. They are actively looking towards the east and learning faster than students studying in the top IIT coaching centres. It is like following a good teacher’s examples.

Little kid.

Learning Fast.

Statutory Warning: This shouldn’t be considered with ALL of bollywood. There are of course a few diamonds there too. But this stupid worthless blog doesn’t deserve to have their names printed on its blogposts. It can only criticize.

P.S 1:  The Xeno will be coming back later with another post on Bollywood. So keep in touch.

P.S. 2: In case you have diarrhoea, get yourself a laptop with a wireless internet connection and take it to that essential place where you need to go urgently often. Just so that you can keep in touch.