24th March 2011, Rajasthan: An ancient scroll manuscript containing apocalyptic predictions was accidentally dug up by a tourist who was on an expedition travelling through the Sahara Desert. The decaying papyrus manuscripts made shockingly exact accounts of many world events like the Japan Earthquake and Tsunami, Lady Gaga’s new album, as well as Kim Kadarshian’s secret wish to become an investigator.

The text contained a complex jumble up of words and numbers. An IIT aspirant, from the nearby town of Kota was called in to solve the riddle. Adbhutiya Acharyanathan, drove a quick glance through the entire scroll before starting to scribble calculations in a rough sheet of paper. After an eager 7 minutes 23 seconds, he had it cracked. He said, “It wasn’t too hard. Some of the calculations were from the 1998 and 2001 paper. I have learnt it by heart, so it wasn’t a problem. But the rest of it is just Shakespeare style writing.” The manuscript, along with the boy’s interpretation, was sent to the A-M.A.N.I.A.C. (Archaeological Manuscripts Archives Needed In Apocalyptic Conditions) for safekeeping and further research. An old man representing the association, expressed his gratitude on being handed over this ancient treasure. He spoke about how he and Nostradamus used to share their lunch boxes in school, and how he had tried to stop him from running away to the caves when he had failed in written English.

Jonathan Digass, the Swiss tourist who discovered the age-old ancient treasures gave us a brief account of his experience in the Sahara Desert, and how he had chanced upon the manuscript. He said that he was inspired by Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Alchemist’ and had a dream in which he saw a bag full of gold and jewelry drop off into the sand when Katy Perry and Russel Brand were returning to the airport after their wedding. It did not take him much time to realize that it was his destiny. And so he had set off in the search for the treasure. Jonathan smirks as he recalls how he had seen an oasis melt into the sand when he had approached it. Apoplectic with rage and insatiable thirst, he had started digging the sand to reach the water. It was then, that he had found a chest full of similar manuscripts. They looked like maps, so he took the one with the date 2011. He tore some of the others and pissed on the rest. No, he doesn’t remember the location where he found it.

Here is an excerpt from the manuscript which our top reporter managed to tear off.

“All hail! All hail!
Thy world doth end alas!
Why doth thou useth gmail?
Its Servers breakdown like glass!

Japan will weep,
Korea will go whoopie!
The waters will Tokyo sweep,
When the earth shake its booty!

Oh! What music dost thou play,
And enrage thee heavens so?
Life hath naught been “Born This Way”
Fake theories of Gaga, Oh No!

And nay, thy insolent being
Under the summer sun roast!
What shit hath thou been reading?
Read The Sarcasti-Nation Blogpost."