Friday, 25 May 2012
Posted by The Xeno
In case you’re planning on committing suicide like a noble man of the modern society, here are a few tips to make your last action on earth a nice one, brimming over with manners and etiquettes.
1. Appearance is of primary importance. Put on your best attire. Shampoo and comb your hair like a civilized human being, and not like a teenager going to college. Cut your fingernails and toenails neatly, so that the people at the post mortem lab do not mistake you to be a sample of the Neanderthal man from the museum archives.
2. Write a neat Suicide note. Use a nice ball pen to write it on a clean piece of good quality paper which doesn’t soak up the ink like it will soak up the tears of people who will actually miss you (if any). Choose a decent ink color like black or blue. Please avoid red, pink, or green because they are just out of fashion right now, when it comes to suicide notes. And don’t waste blood. If they need any, they’ll know how to get it from your dead body.
3. Mention who gets what. To prevent all future squabbles over your stuff after you leave, in an additional note attached to your suicide letter, declare the names of the future vendors of your prized possessions. It will give them a reason to be happy and a reason to remember you for a few more days than default.
4. Don’t be too filmy. Suicides are just not that old-fashioned and dramatic anymore. They’ve changed. They’ve been morphed, developed, and amended much more than our Indian constitution. These days, suicides carry along with them a style quotient. If this is going to be the last intelligent thing that you’re going to do on earth, why don’t you do it with a bit of style, eh?
5. Talk to the person who loves you the most, for the last time. Tell him/her indirectly, how clever you’ve been all your life and how cleverly you plan to end it as well. Not that he/she will have the slightest idea of what you’re talking about. But she’ll understand later, don’t worry.
6. Research suicide methods. There are million + 1 ways in which you can end your life; +1 being the normal way. This is an integral step, so plan it carefully. I personally suggest jumping off the rooftop/terrace/cliff/grand-canyon. No scarcity of rooftops which are high enough in cities. You also get to experience the additional thrill of bungee-jumping (without a bungee of course, you silly!).
7. The most important step of all – Enjoy committing suicide. This is that moment of your life for which you’ve been waiting all your life – the last. Enjoy it while you can. If I ever jump off a skyscraper, I’d surely smile at the people looking out of the windows. I’d wink and wave them goodbye. In case I passed a bathroom window while falling, I’d close my eyes like a true gentleman. I might even start singing the national anthem in case it takes too long to reach the bottom. The last noble action of my complete and fulfilling life story will be a dignified one. And then, before you know it … splat!
P.S_1: The author of this post sincerely hopes that this post will not influence any human/animal to prematurely end his life on being too excited to experience the fun suicide is all about.
P.S_2: If it so happens that you find yourself believing, at the very least, a single sentence in the above post… you’re the clever man I was talking about, you fool!
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